A Bundyful Christmas

I'm Married with children...I'll never be free.

I think I may have just stumbled upon a new Christmas tradition this past holiday season. This merry post, coming to you almost a full month after my last entry, is a bit outdated, I'll admit. Sorry, I got caught up on my Christmas gifts. (New laptop! Woo-hoo!) But now, my one or two loyal readers, I present what I believe to be the greatest gift of all - a not-so-merry Christmas with Al Bundy!

Yes, the unhappy shoe salesman may just be the best thing to happen to Christmas since milk and cookies. Move over crappy Christmas specials, Al and the rest of the Bundys are the best show to tune into on those cold December nights.

Now who wants to hear about the red-headed Grinch who stole Uncle Al's life?

Christmas with the Bundys is never cheery but always hilarious. Al, naturally a hater of the season, attempts to bring less cheer to the holidays and always finds himself in one funny situation after the other, whether it duking it out with the mall Santas or reluctantly playing Santa himself. He tries, however unsuccessfully, to bring joy to his family during this time but usually ends up fighting the cheer himself. Unlike other shows where the Christmas episodes bring delight to their characters, the Bundys often end up mocking the popular holiday with their crazy antics and pessimism.

I only just discovered Married...With Children last year, during which time TVland aired Christmas episodes of the show I once heard described as "the most controversial show on TV". I immediately unearthed why such uneasiness surrounded the series. The Bundys are not like other sitcom families - they are unhappy, poor, unloving, spiteful, hungry, and horny. Christmas to them means dissapointment, contradicting the themes of most Christmas specials. That marathon changed my life: I discovered what may have been the funniest show I had ever seen, more so than Friends.

Be quite or I'll send you to the bathroom dungeon like Lil Bobby.

Don't get me wrong - I love the holidays! But Al, Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and the D'Arcys make me laugh nonstop for the three hours I had my butt glued to the couch. TVland, again this year, aired three hours of Bundyful Christmas episodes and they were all as funny as the last. I recommend, for anyone who's looking for a good laugh, to make an appointment during the holidays to visit the Bundy household. You'll laugh, maybe cry, and quite possibly rethink what is the true meaning of Christmas.

5/5, for Married...With Children Christmas episodes

A fat woman came into the shoe store today and wanted a pair of shoes to wear to a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world’s largest, ugliest Christmas tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.

Here are some memorable speeches from the show's Christmas episode 'It's a Bundyful Life: Part 1':

Al: I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is "I want this.", "Get me this.", "I have to have this."... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, ho, ho," all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.

Al: Twas the night before christmas, and all through the house, / no food was a stirring, not even a mouse. / Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie, / along with a note that said "presents or die". / Children were plotting all night in their beds, / while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head. / But daddy had money this year in the bank, / then they closed up early, now dad's in the tank. /... and all of a sudden Santa appeared, / a sneer on his face, booze in his beard. / Santa I said as he laughed merrily, / you do so much for others do something for me. / Bundy he said, you only sell shoes, / your son is a sneak-thief, your daughters' a flooze. / Ho Ho Santa said, should I mention your wife, / her hairs like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife. / As he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung, / he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue. / And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee: / you're married with children, you'll never be free.

What happened, the Easter Bunny hang himself on my front lawn?

Also, here is a link to a bunch of the greatest moments from 'It's a Bundyful Life: Part 1'.